My Pet Demons - A Mental Health Story
My pet demons mostly come out at night, which as someone who has a lot of trouble sleeping due to pain etc. means I get to spend plenty of time with them. I lay in bed, looking at the plain white ceiling and they are there, I feel them lurking in the room, I hear them whispering, mostly just talking to each other, but sometimes they get brave and get close enough to talk to me! They know my thoughts before I do, so I don't need to answer them, I've tried arguing with them, but I either lose or they just give up before I can win, so now I just let them rant on to me. Loud music through the headphones blocks out their voices, so keeps them away and gives me a break from their interfering, but sometimes I need to sleep and that can be hard with them there. They don't like the light, they do come out, but in not as much in the day, so that's when I feel safe to sleep!
I know they are always there, I can feel them beside me, I can see the glowing eyes watching over me! Are they here to help me or hurt me? They keep me awake, but knowing that they are there gives me energy, I can feel it whenever they are close. I don't fear them! Why should I? Many other things have hurt me in my life, but they never have directly hurt me and the ways they do harm me are ways I often feel deep down inside I deserve at the time.
Opening the door to them makes me feel so much, I can feel energy pulsing, I can feel life flowing, I can feel the comforting blanket of the darkness, but I also feel pain filling every corner of my existance. It all flows through me when they are there with me. They do make me jump when I see them sometimes. I normally just spot a glowing pair of green eyes at first! They gently brush past me, I feel them touch my legs. Sometimes they run their fingers down my arms, a cold, inhuman, but somehow friendly touch!
They are not ghosts, are they just a manifestation of my inner demons. I feel less alone when I know they are there. I don't control them, I would never want to! Their power scares me too much!!! They are as alive as me, but they offer their energy to me in exchange for releasing them my head. They know they have to hide when others are around, they know others don't understand them and would fear them and people want to destroy that which they don't understand. Not that I understand them completely myself! They move around me, I feel the vibrations flow through the floor. I don't think they would ever harm me, I just know when my life ends they will be there waiting beside me, ready to collect all my life energy back when I no longer need it.
They do like to have their opinions heard, they often talk to me, sometimes a gentle voice in my head, other times a voice that feels like it has come from a 1000 watt speaker deep inside me, my body shaking as their words flow through my body. Some of these things they say are nice, they are compliments, good suggestions, but often they are not! They are insults, they are nasty, they are evil, they make me feel alone and worthless, just like so many people in my life have done. I can't control them, but I do now know my opinion is more valid than theirs and no matter what they say or advice me to do it is me that gets to make the final decision, they can't make me do anything.
They are happy to hide away, lurk deep inside me, just sneaking out now and then when my defences are down, but only on the condition that I can let them come out to play sometimes, if I didn't ever let them out then I might start to fear them, they could break their way out, which would be messy, so I make sure I let them out.
Opening up for them is not easy, I open up myself wide, letting the good and bad flow wherever they want to go. I see everything, I hear everything, I feel everything, sometimes I cry when I'm that open, is it from the pain I let in, is it the overflowing emotions they bring out, is it the memories they allow me to see, those moments of my life that I'd rather forget, they show me these things again in full 4k ultra HD, more detail than I can ever imagine I could have taken in when I was there. I try to push those things out of my head, but they can take days to completely go. I wish they wouldn't do that, but I guess it's a punishment. They make me look my past in the face, as clearly as looking at myself in a mirror. Even when I sleep they are there, they can turn a nightmare into a pixel perfect recreation, I wake up struggling to hold in the screams brought on by what my demons show me. My nightmares don't seem as real as real life, they are a thousand times more intense than that! My body being shattered, my flesh being cut, bones breaking, my death in so many painful ways, a feeling of such complete loneliness and abandonment, sometimes I think ripping my own face off would less painful than one of those nightmares, the thought of trying to find out if that's true has crossed my mind on occasion.
Surely I should hate my demons if they put me through that? No, because I know they are only doing to me exactly what I often feel I deserve. They give me mental energy and my powers of creativity, but they also bring me pain and such deep suffering.
What would happen if I tried to stop them? Got rid of them from their true hiding place behind my eyes? I don't want to know, most creatures will fight back if threatened, if I let somebody try to destroy them then they would probably take me with them, that is something I don't want to risk! My demons are a part of me and I am a part of them, we exist together!
I have a thing for mirrors or reflective surfaces, because it's often through those that I can see them, even when they think they are hiding from me, they can't move fast enough, so I often see them in the corners of mirrors watching over me, keeping an eye on me, protecting me in their own strange way.
Being outside should be easier and it can be, but only with a few people around! Many people don't have their demons with them, but a lot do. Although I often can't see other peoples demons clearly, I can feel them there, sometimes I can deal with that, other times the feeling of hundreds of them, feeding off of the emotions of those around them, absorbing each others life forces in a whirlwind of energy that flows around me, totally overpowering my thoughts and can almost make me pass out! In the open they have room for all that energy to flow more safely, but in confined spaces like supermarkets, places where lots of people have heightened emotions for them to feed off, it can just be too overwhelming for me to deal with. I just want to close my eyes and pretend they are not there. Like mine I do sometimes just catch glimpses of them, reflections of glowing green eyes, a blur from the motion of them flying past me, small bits of movement in the dark corners of shops or shapes moving in small places, like beneath bottom shelves and behind displays.
This is why I always need to have a human to watch over me too, I'm fine for an hour, but more than that and I can feel the bad ones trying to escape. I need that human presence to stop me from doing things to allow them in, so that some of their energy to flow out at the wrong times, to help me keep the very delicate balance in my head as level as possible. That balance has become very unsteady at many times during my life, so much so that the concept of life or death has been as unimportant to me as the choice between a stranger on the other side of the world wearing dark blue socks and dark grey socks!
These days I have someone to watch over me, somebody I also need to watch over for their own reasons, between us we have reasons to survive, reasons to live, but my demons will always be there, hidden beneath the surface and lurking in the mirrors to remind me they are still there.
This might sound like the rantings of a mad man, that might be true, but I have never been a danger to anyone else, only myself a few times!
How real these things are to me varies on a day to day basis! Most days I think it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but other times they seem as real to me as I do!!!
I have been treated for my mental health issues and do have an official diagnosis, but know I will probably be like this for life.